Shouldn’t baseball be over by now? I’m tired of pennant races that don’t involve actual pennants. I’m bored with hearing about the Yankees and the Red Sox as if they were the US and Russia during the Cold War and not a single other team – or country – matters. I’m sick of the speculation over whether this will finally be the year the Cubs win a World Series…Long streaks of championship futility only matter to me if we’re talking about the Suns finally bringing home the big trophy. I’m exhausted by trade deadlines and endless commentary over whether or not the acquisition of this middle reliever/fifth inning specialist will make the difference for Houston, trying to climb from fourth place to third, or whatever.
Isn’t it time to wrap up football as well? I say a final decision on whatever it is Brett Favre is going through should just be declared the Super Bowl for the year, the winner is either Favre or the Packers, and we all just forget the season and move right along. Honestly, I haven’t seen this many people so excited over the start of camp since my classmates hit the last day of school in fifth grade.
Can we cancel the college football season before it begins? I really don’t need a month of debates over preseason polls and rankings. Not a game has been played and people are already feeling disrespected over where they’re ranked? And it’s national sports news for four weeks? We all know it’s going to come down to USC versus Ohio State versus Georgia versus Florida versus Oklahoma versus LSU, so really, is there any point to playing the games? Instead of preseason rankings, let’s just start with the postseason rankings, and pretend the season never really happened at all. Let them fight over that, since that matters marginally more.
Maybe we might forget about golf for the rest of the year? Tiger Woods isn’t playing, so is there anyone out there who’s still interested? Is there anyone out there who can name the champion of golf’s most recent major tournament? Hint: His name is Padraig Harrington. See what I mean? Let’s declare golf over and move on.
The Olympics? Okay, fine, but how many sports do you really watch? Are you going to be up at 3:15 in the morning to watch the live broadcast of the dressage event?
You are? Oh. I’m sorry. Never mind.
Yeah, there’ll be basketball in Beijing, but not real, important basketball. More like the tortilla chips before your chimichanga arrives. Enough to satisfy you at the time, but it’s just not a meal, and sometimes you walk away from the whole meal not feeling so good (Bronze medal in 2004, anyone?).
NASCAR? Apologies to all you vroom-vroom fans out there, but I’m from the school that says turning left is not a sport. It’s just not for me.
Someone told me there’s a presidential election race going on, and that it’s been kind of interesting to watch, but I haven’t heard anything about it. If they’re not shooting jumpers, I just don’t pay attention. Actually, if presidential races were decided by a series of one-on-one games (or two-on-two, if you wanted to include the Vice Presidential candidates), I’d be a whole lot more interested – I think “Can you jam on a regulation hoop?” should be a perfectly valid debate question.
Here’s what I’m ready for: Shaq camping in the lane. Amare facing up for a fifteen-footer, or pump-faking and blowing by for a tomahawk slam. Nash throwing a three-quarter-court strike to Grant Hill leaking out on the break for an easy layup. Raja spotting up in the corner to drain a trey. LB slicing through the paint and finding the bottom of the net before anyone even knows he’s there. Boris in the high post with shoot, drive and pass options and a nervous defender wondering which way he’s going to go. Matt Barnes stripping Shawn Marion of the ball on the Matrix’s first return to the Valley (hee hee!). Robin Lopez swatting an opponent’s hook shot right into the waiting arms of D.J. Strawberry. Alando Tucker pulling up on the break for a feather-soft bank shot. Terry Porter directing the troops, diagramming plays in the time-out huddle.
Phew! Just typing that last paragraph got me more excited about sports than I’ve been since April.
For the love of Connie Hawkins, is it basketball season yet?!