Ah, summer. When the inconsequential NBA Finals are over at last (all NBA Finals that don’t involve the Suns are inconsequential), and a young blogger’s thoughts turn to wheeling, dealing, drafting…and trade rumors.
If you have a basketball card of Paul Mokeski, the Suns just might want to talk about a deal.
For me, thinking about next season began the day the Suns were eliminated from the playoffs. Who will stay? Who will go? How will the Suns look to improve themselves for next year’s run at the trophy?
Now, with action on the court finally at an end, other teams and their fans are wondering the very same things. Can we pry that superstar away from his team with an offer of only three stale hot dogs, Paul Mokeski’s rookie card, and one alternate throwback road jersey once worn by our trainer’s sister? Is that Bratislavan combo guard with crossed eyes and a peg leg able to create his own shot, and thus worth taking in the first round? The draft is a week or so away, and we’ll begin to get some of our answers then. Until that time, however, all we have is speculation… and rumors.
No doubt, you’ve seen the names of some of the current Suns surface in these rumors. Some of the names show up every offseason, it seems, while others are making their first appearance. Only a tiny, tiny fraction of these rumors ever come to fruition, meaning they’re mostly a source of irritation for these players… it’s not like any of them are loading moving vans at the first whisper of trade possibility. And some of the rumors are downright ridiculous.
Which is why I’d like to use this space to deny some of the more outrageous trade rumors I’ve heard thus far in the off-season…involving ME.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to the Lakers even-up for Kobe Bryant. The Suns would never trade me within their own division.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to the Timberwolves for Kevin Garnett. My contract specifically allows me to veto any trade to any city where hockey is more important than basketball, and where the temperature never rises above, “I don’t think my lips are supposed to be blue.”
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to their arena maintenance department. The maintenance department staff didn’t want to upset their chemistry. I can respect that.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to Indiana for Jermaine O’Neal. However, they have said that if they can get Tito, Marlon, Jackie, and Michael O’Neal in the deal, they might consider it.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to Chicago for a package including Luol Deng, Andres Nocioni and Thabo Sefolosha. Reportedly, the Bulls felt “Adam” was too difficult a name to pronounce.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to Orlando for Billy Donovan. Donovan reportedly has the right to accept, refuse, accept, refuse, accept and refuse any deal (Sorry, couldn’t help myself).
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to Boston for Theo Ratliff, Delonte West and the Celtics’ first-round draft pick. The ghost of Red Auerbach insisted the Suns throw in the Grand Canyon and the Painted Desert, and the Suns backed off – after much discussion.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to the Nets for Vince Carter, as New Jersey feels exchanging “Half-Man, Half-Amazing,” for “Half-Man” isn’t an even swap.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me for Commissioner David Stern’s mustache, circa 1984. Apparently, the mustache failed its physical.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to Atlanta for Joe Johnson, whom the Suns would send back to Atlanta for their first round picks in 2010 and 2011, the 2010 pick being lottery protected and the 2011 pick being non-lottery protected, which the Suns would then send back to Atlanta along with their own second-round pick in 2009 and the Hawks’ 2008 first-rounder, which isn’t lottery protected, for Joe Johnson and a conditional third-round pick from 1987 because everyone’s heads exploded and their was no one left to do the deal.
• NO, the Suns are not trading me to Portland for the draft rights to Greg Oden. Yes, as a Suns fan, I feel kind of bad about that one, too.
So there you have it. I hope that puts all these scandalous rumors to rest once and for all. I am a Suns.com blogger now and forevermore, and the Suns have no plans to move me to any other franchise, no matter how big the offer might –
Excuse me, that’s my phone.
Hello? Yes, this is he. I’m what?! To where?! Oh, for Pete’s sake, I just got done writing a column saying this wasn’t going to happen! Well, where am I going? Really? They still have a team? Well, what did you get for me?
Paul Mokeski’s rookie card? Not bad!